hello. my name is debbie downer.

My heart is so heavy tonight.

I took my almost 10 year old and 5 of his friends out for his birthday tonight. They laughed and hollered and wrestled in my back seat and bowled and played video games and ate pizza and blew out candles and ate cake.

There is a football game going on less than a mile from my house. A homecoming game with dates and mums and dances and music (music I can hear from my bed... might I add). There was cheering and touchdowns and homecoming court and many a proud parent.

Joyful moments. Memory making moments for parents and children both.

But some events of today have led me to end this night with a heavy heart for the orphan and some people I dearly love who got some sad news.

As I sit here looking at waiting children lists (these are children that have been waiting for a long time for a family or have special needs or multiple siblings) and advocate group pages (like Reece's Rainbow which advocate for orphans with Down's syndrome or Fetal Alcohol Syndrome or HIV), and other adoptive family's blogs.....I have never felt more torn.

While I lay in my bed listening to the music from a 1/2 mile away and think about all the fun those sweet high schoolers are having right now and how much fun my Brody and all his friends had tonight, I can't help but feel the injustice of it all.

Why can't EVERY child feel joy and love and a parent's pride? Why does ANY child need to stay in a crib 24 hours a day at the age of 6? Or live his teenage and adult years out in a mental institution? Or die because of lack of proper medical care? Or get ordered around by scary adults with not even a hint of love in their voices?

I mean, I think it's easy for us (me included) to forget that these are real live children. Sitting in an orphanage somewhere. They are not a number. Not a statistic. Not just a page in a notebook. They have hearts. And smiles. And personalities. And a God who loves them. Just like the kids in my car tonight. Just like the kids dancing with their dates up the street.

What they do not have is a family.

And tonight....well, God, it just seems unfair.

Sometimes this thing, this "crisis" as we so easily call it....it just seems impossible to fix. The problems. The ridiculous red tape, the unethical attitude, the lack of empathy, the giant giant flaws in it all....which ultimately lead to heart break again and again. For child. For parent. For Jesus.

Sometimes, it's just too much. And it seems impossible and unfixable. And it makes me want to scream because I feel helpless and moved to action all at the same time. I feel disappointed in myself that I don't fight harder or that I didn't start earlier and yet sometimes I just want to throw my hands up and cry uncle. I feel frustrated at the world that we just let this go on as if we are okay with it and yet I have played a role in that as well. And today, I feel sad that well-meaning people can cause heartbreak too.

Problems and feelings that won't be solved tonight.

Hard as I'm trying, this post can't be wrapped up and concluded with a neat little bow.  It's not that easy or tidy. This is messy heart wrenching stuff. And I will go to bed tonight knowing that my dreams will be haunted by the faces of the babes I stared at all night. God, don't let me forget them. Ever. And help me remember that they are worth fighting for. Every single one of them. Please don't let Satan convince me and the rest of the world to give up and that it is hopeless and impossible....even on nights like tonight when it feels like it just might be.