One week later

Last Friday, after some amazing friends called everyone they knew, or baked a million things, or sat out in the sun selling lemonade, we suddenly had a combined amount of money that we were NOT expecting. We were feeling so amazingly blessed that day. We kept looking at each other just speechless at how God had provided above and beyond what we could have ever expected. For us, this was the ultimate confirmation....we were in God's will. We were doing what he wanted us to do. This child was ours.

We rode this high all week.

Then yesterday came. One week later. A call from our agent (as we were walking out of the Passport office, by the way..). And these words...

"we have given your {un-official} referral to another family. They had their paperwork already in country. They were waiting for a healthy child. But for whatever reason, changed their minds and decided they would accept a child with special medical needs. So, they are first in line. And they will get the baby."

Sigh.

I held in my tears until I got off the phone with her. I saved them for Mitch. Lucky him.

I don't know how to explain how that felt. I knew that this was a possibility. The fact that this was an "un-official" referral meant that until our paperwork was in the Congo, we would have no real "claim" on him. We were hurrying. I was emailing people and annoying people to death trying to get things done. But, in all reality, I honestly did not think there would be people lining up to take on this special needs child. And besides the logistics of it all....he felt like he was ours. I felt like God said so. 

So, when those words came out of her mouth, well....I felt like I had lost a child. My heart was broken and I was confused.

Why did God take us down this path? Why would He bring us to this place if this child wasn't really ours? Yes, I was very grateful that this baby would be getting a family soon, and medicine even sooner. But, he was supposed to be OUR baby. Not theirs. What is God trying to do here? Haven't we grown enough? Why does God have to keep teaching us things? What are we doing wrong?  I mean, we felt very strongly we were in God's will, and still do actually, so where does this leave us? What are we supposed to do now? What is the deal? (and lots more angry, spoiled brat kind of things like that)

A day later, I can't tell you I understand any more. I spent a lot of time yesterday feeling sad and crying. Today, I feel more hopeful. Still confused, but hopeful.

We know that there is a reason for this. We know that God has something else planned. Maybe he brought us to this place because the next referral we get will be the exact same scenario. Maybe he wanted us to pray for that baby in a dark and dangerous time in his little life. Maybe we were just there to stand in the gap between loneliness and a family for him. Maybe God used it to grow our hearts for orphans with special needs. Maybe our next referral will be soon and we will be able to do things quickly since we have all our funding ready. 

Whatever the reason, we know that God will reveal it to us someday. As a friend reminded me, the day we bring our new child home, we will all be able to look around at each other, and say "ooohhh, this is why God did that. THIS is what He had planned for them all along."

Man, I am ready for that day.

So, to answer some questions that are probably in most of your minds:

- Yes, the attorney fees for the Congo will still be the same. So, the amazing amount of money all our friends poured their hearts and souls into is still much needed and necessary. (so thank you again sweet friends. my heart is overwhelmed with love from each of you)

- The wait time for another referral will not be long. A matter of a few months to maybe just weeks. Which will mean that travel will not be too far off after that. So, we are hopeful that we will be able to travel and bring our child home within 6 months. 

- We are leaving our home study open to a medically special needs child. We can't ignore the fact that God opened our eyes to the giant need out there and asked our obedience. We will remain faithful to that and see what God has in store. 

Please pray for our hearts. Mitch has a good head and broad shoulders and is handling this much better than me. He can see God's sovereignty more clearly than me at times and I am grateful for it. I am still confused and a little frustrated, but am resting in God's faithfulness and what He has already done. 

Thank you to our friends and family who rejoiced with us last week, and who grieved with us this week. There will be more rejoicing ahead I know it. Don't give up on us yet.